Human Sexuality — What Children Need to Know and When

Human Sexuality — What Children Need to Know and When — At a Glance

  • It’s best to start talking with children about sexuality in early childhood — but it’s never too late to start.
  • Giving our children age-appropriate information will help them feel more in control of their bodies and make responsible decisions.
  • All kids — including those with disabilities — need to learn about sexuality.

 

We want our children to grow up to have healthy and happy lives. For most of us, this includes having rewarding relationships and sex lives.

To help them reach this goal,
we need to

  • give them the information they need to make responsible choices
  • encourage them to take good care of their bodies
  • help them build the confidence they need to respect themselves and other people
  • earn their respect  if we can do that, they are more likely to look to us and other trusted adults for information when they need it

Teaching our children about sexuality is an ongoing process. They need a lot of information. They need to know about everything from anatomy to puberty to masturbation to healthy relationships.

Our children don’t all learn at the same rate. But here are some general guidelines that apply to most kids. They’re about what children need to know and what communication skills they need to have when it comes to sex and sexuality. We have grouped them according to what is appropriate for different age groups. We hope they are helpful.

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    What Is Human Sexuality?

    We are all sexual. We are sexual from the day we are born until the day we die. Our sexuality affects who we are and how we express ourselves as sexual beings.

    Our sexuality includes

    The ways we experience and express our sexuality include

    Our sexuality and the ways we experience and express it are influenced by

    • our biology
    • our emotional lives
    • our family lives
    • our culture and our status in our culture
    • our ethical, religious, and spiritual upbringing and experience

    Understanding our sexuality is a lifelong process. We can help our children gain this understanding by giving them age-appropriate information.

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    What Do Children Need to Know by Age Five?

    By age five, children need to know

    • that love should make people feel good, safe, and wanted
    • that people's bodies are different sizes, shapes, and colors
    • how the bodies of girls and women are different from the bodies of boys and men
    • that people’s bodies belong to themselves
    • the correct names for all body parts, including sex and reproductive organs
    • how to talk about their sexual parts without feeling naughty
    • that it’s normal to touch one’s sex organs for pleasure
    • to seek privacy when touching one’s sex organs for pleasure
    • how a “baby” "gets in" and "gets out" of a woman’s body
    • that a woman does not have to have a baby unless she wants to
    • how to talk with trusted adults about sexual issues, questions, and concerns
    • how to say, "No," to unwanted touch
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    What Do Children Need to Know by Ages 5–7?

    In addition to earlier information and skills, children ages 5–7 need to know

    • that all living things reproduce
    • how plants and animals grow and reproduce, what they need, and how we care for them
    • that all people, including our parents and grandparents, are sexual
    • that we all live through a life cycle that has a beginning and an end and includes sexuality at all ages
    • that people experience sexual pleasure in a number of different ways
    • that everyone has sexual thoughts and fantasies and that having them is normal
    • that families are structured in different ways
    • the roles and responsibilities of different members of their families
    • how to live outside of stereotyped gender roles — for example, that women can be good leaders and men can be good at taking care of children
    • that sexual identity includes sexual orientation
    • that we must all take an active role in protecting our health
    • that health care providers support our health and well-being
    • the basic facts about HIV/AIDS
    • that a friend is someone we enjoy being with, someone who shares, listens, encourages, and helps us think through our problems
    • how to develop, maintain, and end friendships
    • how to recognize and protect themselves from potential sexual abuse and its dangers — for example, sexual predators may seem kind, giving, and loving. They may be friends or family members.
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    What Do Preteens Need to Know by Ages 8–12?

    In addition to earlier information and skills …

    ABOUT ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENT, PRETEENS NEED TO KNOW

    • how female and male bodies grow and differ
    • that puberty starts at different times for girls and boys and for different individuals
    • how to be comfortable with their changing bodies, especially in relationship to other children their age
    • what menstruation and wet dreams are
    • how to take care of their personal hygiene during menstruation
    • that emotional changes are common during this time

    ABOUT SEXUAL BEHAVIOR, PRETEENS NEED TO KNOW

    • how to accept human sexuality and their own sexual feelings as a natural part of life
    • that people have sex for pleasure — that it’s not done only to have a baby
    • that masturbation is very common — that it is normal to masturbate, but only in private
    • they don’t have to feel guilt about masturbating
    • what sexually transmitted infections and safer sex are
    • how to talk about and practice safer sex
    • what rape is
    • what sex work is and why it’s dangerous for young women and young men

    ABOUT HUMAN REPRODUCTION AND BIRTH CONTROL, PRETEENS NEED TO KNOW

    • the biology of the fertility cycle, how pregnancy happens, and the basics about how a pregnancy develops
    • that no one has to become a parent
    • that birth control methods — including emergency contraception — can prevent pregnancy
    • that 85 out of 100 women who have vaginal intercourse will become pregnant within a year if they do not use birth control 
    • how to talk about birth control and what some of the methods are
    • how to get birth control
    • what abortion is
    • that women can get pregnant without having sex by using alternative insemination or other fertility treatments

    ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, PRETEENS NEED TO KNOW

    • how their communities, families, and peers feel about dating
    • that families are structured in many different ways, how the relationships in families differ, and how families fit into their societies
    • how to end relationships without anger
    • how to recognize and protect themselves from abusive relationships
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    What Do Teenagers Need to Know by Ages 13–18?

    In addition to earlier information and skills …

    ABOUT SEXUALITY, TEENAGERS NEED TO KNOW

    • that sexuality is a positive aspect of one's personality
    • how to take responsibility for sexual choices and behavior
    • that biological sex, gender identity, and sexual orientation form one’s sexual identity
    • that there are a lot of different, normal ways to have sex play
    • that people form many kinds of sexual relationships, including opposite-sex and same-sex partnerships

    ABOUT PERSONAL VALUES AND SOCIAL PRESSURES, TEENAGERS NEED TO KNOW

    • how to balance independence with responsibility
    • how to adapt to emotional changes and social needs
    • how to recognize how sexuality is portrayed in the media — and how to control how much the media shapes what they think and how they feel about sex and sexuality
    • that sexual relationships have potential risks
    • that everyone has the right not to have sex
    • that teen pregnancy brings many challenges
    • how to talk about their own experiences, attitudes, and feelings about relationships and having sex play
    • how to make good decisions and solve problems
    • how to build self-esteem

    ABOUT PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND REPRODUCTIVE RESPONSIBILITY, TEENAGERS NEED TO KNOW

    • that relationships, including those within our families, often change over time
    • the details about birth control methods and how to tell myth from fact
    • how to have realistic expectations about long-term relationships — emotional support, companionship, child rearing, etc.
    • how to avoid unwanted or inappropriate sexual experiences
    • how to be assertive when refusing sex play or insisting on using birth control and safer sex
    • how to communicate clearly about sex play with a partner or potential partner
    • how to ask about and get birth control and be comfortable while doing it

    ABOUT PARENTHOOD, TEENAGERS NEED TO KNOW

    • that it is possible to plan parenthood
    • that having a child is a long-term responsibility — that every child deserves mature, responsible, loving parents
    • what a parent’s responsibilities are
    • the stages of pregnancy and child development
    • the basics of what a parent needs to do to meet a child’s needs
    • the basics about how to take care of an infant
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    What About Kids with Disabilities?

    People often ignore or deny the sexuality of kids with intellectual, developmental, or physical disabilities. The fact is that all people are sexual beings, including people with disabilities. And like all other kids, those with disabilities need to learn about the different aspects of sexuality listed above. Parents and caregivers of a child with a disability can tailor the information to match the child’s abilities.

    Some parents feel comfortable and confident talking with their kids about sex and sexuality. Some find it difficult. It may help to read about how to talk with your children about sex. Talking with other parents about how they talk with their kids about sex may also help.

    And remember, no matter how old your children are, the most important thing they need to know is that they can count on you to talk with them, answer their questions, and love and support them.

Published: 10.29.08

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